Consistent Effort Brings Results

Do you ever find yourself saying that when your circumstances change that YOU are going to change? I am in the THROES of mothering 3 young boys (7, 4, and 1). I am awake in the night more times than my watch can keep track of. The baby is in the phase of I-want-to-dump-everything-on-the-floor-as-quickly-as-possible so my house is nowhere NEAR the cleanliness level I want. With all the demands of this stage of life, I sometimes find myself thinking, "When my kids are a little older, THEN I'll be able to do/be _________." While it might be a little bit true that I'll have more energy if/when I get more sleep, some of the things that I think I'll be able to do once my kids are older are things I struggled to be consistent with BEFORE I had kids. I often use my kids as an excuse for why I don't do something rather than getting creative with the time/energy I do have to accomplish what I want.

The fact of the matter is that you don't magically improve when your circumstances change. It takes conscience effort to become who you want to be and achieve what you want to accomplish. Rather than telling myself that I will do these things someday, I need to look at how I can do what I want/need to do TODAY. There is time to become who I want to become. I can take small actions daily, which will eventually yield big results over time! What is something you can do today to get you closer to the person you want to become? Let's cheer each other on!

2 years

2 years ago I found out that I was pregnant with my third child. Even though I had felt the pull to have one final child, I was very hesitant to actually have it come to fruition. Not only was I in the best shape of my life, I was not looking forward to the pregnancy woes and the actual difficulty that having another child brings. For over half my pregnancy and even after my baby was born, I focused so much on the negative changes rather than the blessings. But, I know that the experience of having my baby come into our family was meant to be. I have learned lessons I could have learned no other way. Most importantly, I have been knocked down and humbled more than I ever thought possible. I have had days that I wasn't sure I would be able to make it to the end. But, I did. I am here. I am still standing. And that counts for something. 

You Are Not Alone

After I had my second baby, I was really struggling. The stresses of life and the exhaustion of a newborn and preschooler were overwhelming. Adding to that, I was the most overweight I've been in my life. I started having body image issues. I didn't recognize my body or even my mind. I felt so alone.

I saw all these beautiful mom and baby pictures on social media. People would say that they were so in love with their babies right from the start. They seemed so happy. They seemed to have clean houses, fit bodies, happy children, and organized lives. I felt like I was the only one barely keeping it together.

And then a friend posted about her own struggle post partum. She was open and honest. Her willingness to be open and vulnerable changed everything for me. I finally felt seen and heard. I no longer felt crazy. I knew I wasn't alone. My spirits were lifted.

I vowed then to openly share about my own life in the hopes that through my voice, others can feel seen, heard, and uplifted. Whether you are seeing the success you want or if you feel like you're barely surviving, know that you are not alone. We are all connected. Who is someone you can reach out to and lift up today? 

You Were Made to Set Sail

You were made to sail, not sit comfortably in the harbor. You were made to have experiences and weather storms. Lifting a heavy anchor can feel daunting. Leaving the safety of the harbor to go into the unknown is scary. It's easier to remain anchored to where you are rather than moving on to a new destination.

Yet, you were built for this. You were made to learn and grow through your journey. Choosing to follow your heart will uplift and inspire others to do the same in their own lives. You have unique thoughts, ideas, and talents that are meant to be known and shared so that they might buoy others on their journeys. What is something you've wanted to do, but have felt nervous to start? Let's cheer each other on!

Roller Coaster

This month has been full of so many emotional and mental ups and downs. I've had some really big LOWS and some moments where I look around in complete awe and joy of what I've been given in my life. My thoughts and feelings have run the gamut and, frankly, it's been really rough. Mostly, I've felt extremely tired, down, and a huge lack of motivation. I've doubted my business. I've doubted that I should do anything outside of simply being the best mom I can. I have doubted my abilities. I have doubted that I am wanted and loved by others. I have felt very alone. I have looked around waiting for someone to save me, to pick me up, to pull it together. But, no one is coming. I have to save myself. 

I have tried to pay attention to why I have so low this month, honestly more low than I've maybe ever felt in my life. I want to determine why so that I can fix it and improve. I even just had my thyroid hormones checked to see if that's what is causing this. Nope, they're fine. 

I think a part of it is simply that it's the winter and winter is hard for me. I think it gets more difficult every year, especially feeling trapped inside with sick kids. 

I got time to nap plus a small break to work for 45 minutes BY MYSELF and it felt wonderful. I felt so excited and motivated I felt like I helped people, which I love doing. I felt like people were excited about a book I shared, which was so nice. I remembered that I love to be creative in this way with my business. I love the puzzle and challenge it is and the way it pushes me to try new things, something that isn't the norm in my current mom phase. 

So maybe I just need more sleep (please let me sleep tonight, kids!) and maybe I just need more alone time to work in order to feel excited and motivated about my life again? I love my kids, but I really do need some time to myself sometimes too. I feel guilty being away (which rarely happens), but I know that I am a better person when I get some time to myself. 

Unrelated, but this is weighing on me... the past few weeks since Harrison came down with a bad cold and cough has been so hard. He's yelled so much and just been so tired and ornery. I just don't know how to help him to stop yelling and stop being so defiant. 

He and Lincoln are another issue. They fight so much from the second they wake up... no joke. Right when they see other, they usually start making faces or arguing about something. I see the comparison and jealousy happening. I see how Harrison specifically is happy when Lincoln gets in trouble because it's not him getting in trouble. The sibling rivalry is SO strong with these two and I need to figure out how to turn this around. I need to figure out how to encourage them to love and uplift each other. I really do try, but I feel like I am not getting through to them. Time to read a book or two and see if I can find SOME method to encourage them that will help. Wish me luck! 

The Sun Shone

It's amazing how much the sun shining can affect my mood. I went on a walk with the little boys, cleaned out the coat closet, participated in a business call. It felt nice to get some things done and not feel so down and lost. 

You Always Have a Choice

One of my favorite books is Man's Search for Meaning. I love it because it reminds me that no matter your circumstances and struggles, you always have a choice. 

This past week - really the past 6 to 8 weeks - has been really tough mentally. I've struggled and felt more down and depressed than I think I've ever felt. Some days it's been all I can do to keep my chin up and make it to the end of the day in one piece. Over this past weekend, I'll be honest that there were times where mentally I was struggling more than I thought I could bear. 

But, guess what? I didn't die from mental exertion. I'm still here to tell the tale, although I may need therapy. ;) Even when it sometimes feels too hard to stay positive in those rough moments, in the end, my thoughts are what dictate my beliefs and shape my experiences. I have a choice if I am going to choose to see the good or if I am going to focus on the difficulties. 

Even though it can be so hard to see the good in a struggle, it is worth it. Life is too short to love otherwise. 

Migraine

This weekend felt near intolerable. Evan still recovered from getting sick on Monday and Harrison also seemed to feel worse. He keeps complaining about his neck hurting. I feel so bad. 

I got a bad migraine on Saturday and laid in bed when the kids permitted me to. Honestly, all the sleepless nights with Bentley (and even thes other kids and dog waking me too!) really have taken a toll on me. That combined with feeling so trapped and cooped up has been really hard. It honestly felt mentally insufferable at times. I keep having negative, depressed thoughts that I keep having to work through. At times, I didn't know if I could endure them because it just felt too much. But, I kept going. What else can one do? 

I hope that Evan and Harrison start to feel better soon. I think Evan is starting to finally recover, but he's still had to lay down quite a bit this weekend. It's been hard and depressing for us all, I'm sure. Especially with Bentley having a hard time and being really needy. We'll make it through. We always do. 

A Shell of Former Self

I am but a shell of my former self

Stripped down to the essentials 

Existing to serve and love

The finer parts gone 

My appearance shows it

Unkempt 

Unshowered

Disheveled

My clothes marked with token baby food

A shell

Longing for a moment to refill and feel hole 

Magic in the Minutiae

My days are made up of mostly mundane pieces: unload the dishes, load the dishes, make breakfast, help kids go potty and get dressed, fold laundry, vacuum, scrub, dust, and so many other necessary household tasks. Every human has to eat, sleep, clean themselves and their surroundings, etc. It is the attitude we have while doing these tasks that sets the tone for our lives. There is so much magic in between the minutiae. The sweet baby who crawls onto your lap as you sit on the floor to clean a mess. The 3 year old who runs up and squeezes you as if you are the most important person in the world, because you are to him. The 7 year old who cuddles next to you on the couch as you read aloud to him. And the energetic dog who is always lovingly is at your feet because he knows you are his person. 

I won't remember each dish I cleaned 1,000 times, but I do hope that these beautiful little snippets will remain with me. These are the building blocks of a life I am building with my boys. I hope that the memories from their childhood are just as magical to them as they are to me. 

So tired

Oh my goodness... last night was ROUGH. There is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture method: because it is freaking TORTURE. I don't even know how I was sustained through the night last night. By midnight, the 3 kids had stolen up at least 7 times between them, 5 of those times being from Bentley. I lost track after that. 

Harrison wasn't feeling well and came down with the same sickness that Evan has. I have a very mild version of it and am hoping that this is as bad as it gets for me. I am praying that no one else gets it, but we'll see. I feel blessed that I was able to have the energy and wherewithal I did today in spite of so little sleep. I will say, however, that having sickies again makes me feel so trapped, especially since Bentley barely napped today (partially because he fell asleep on the way back from running errands). Not being able to set him down to get stuff done is so frustrating. It makes me feel like giving up because I don't know how I am supposed to do anything when I have a fussy/needy baby. Hopefully tomorrow he'll nap and I can then get a break to get some work done! 

I am grateful that he's currently sleeping. I need to go back to sleep too. I fell asleep getting Lincoln down and woke up and got distracted when I went to write on my phone. Praying for a better night's sleep for everyone and a quick return to health for Evan and Harrison. 

Update... I literally hit publish and then the baby started SCREAMING and thrashing himself around in his bed. So much for getting more sleep. I wonder if this is because he's teething or if it's because something he's been eating is causing him gas pains. Maybe a mix of both? It's so hard to figure out at this age. I am nursing him now. Hopefully, he'll go back to sleep reasonably easily and we can all get some needed sleep. 

No Time

I had an amazing thought to share this morning after I put the baby down for a nap... and then he woke up not long after I put him down so I couldn't sit down to write. Now that it's almost 9pm and Lincoln is still awake, the thought has totally escaped me. 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly, today things felt off. Evan had the day off, but was sick in bed all day with a cold. Bentley was gassy/fussy and I couldn't get him back to sleep after he woke up so quickly from his first nap. I really didn't get any solid down time (still haven't had any as Lincoln is cuddled up next to me as I write this). Not having help when I normally do and then having little time to myself to work gives me anxiety. I honestly am struggling right now to know what kind of vision and goals to have for myself because I don't want to feel frustrated when my expected work/me time is thwarted by Bentley erratic sleep patterns. Do I hire someone to help? Should we schedule me to leave the house to work a few times a week? It's just so hard to know. I want Evan to have time for himself and I know he wants the same for me, but his commute is so long that it means he doesn't have much time after work to do anything, but go to bed. I know this time is short-lived and will likely get easier within the year when Bentley is more consistent with his sleep. It's just going to take some thought to get creative as to how we can make it happen in the interim. 

Updated to add... right after I posted this, Lincoln begged me for a snack and Bentley woke up screaming (only 35 minutes after I got him down to bed 😱😭). I am now nursing him yet again because he was wiggling in pain when I kept trying to bounce with him on the exercise ball in his room. I feel bad that he's gassy, but I also just want a break for a little bit from caring for any tiny humans. I need to figure out what I can do to help ease his stomach pain. 

Joy is a Choice

Last year was hard. It felt like so much was thrown at me. And, I'll be honest, I didn't have the best attitude and mindset. I am certain that definitely played a role in how I viewed my circumstances.

I determined a few weeks ago that I want to practice more gratitude in order to find joy in the journey now. Last year, I sometimes found myself thinking of and longing for some future time when my kids will be at less needy ages. Having a future focus kept me from seeing the blessings that were right in front of me.

This morning, I was reminded of what I feel is my life's mantra... joy is a choice. No matter our circumstances, we can choose to find joy, to practice gratitude, to have hope. Life is short. We have no idea if that future time will even come. We have the ability to see the good now in spite of the struggle. I am challenging myself to choose joy, to choose to be grateful, to choose to see the good. To focus on what's there rather than the lack. Creating a mindset shift already has proven difficult, but I felt overall happier today with a more clear path of my purpose. Choosing the higher road is worth it. 

Where to Go from Here

Still me, still tired. Of course, I am up late finishing a book when I should be sleeping, but it is the only time I get to myself and I do enjoy reading. 

I feel like my oldest and I are often at odds with each other. He's so sassy and smart, just like his mama. I honestly feel like I am failing him most days. I just don't know the best way to raise him. He's just so energetic and bores easily. Some of his behaviors are simply just loud and annoying while some are inconsiderate of others, usually his little brother, Lincoln. Being loud and silly is fine and I keep trying to remind myself that it's okay for him to act that way. What isn't okay is negative behaviors towards others (usually Lincoln), especially when he gets bored. 

I feel like I usually end up yelling to get him to finally listen to what I have to say when he's getting out of control. I hate it. I don't want to yell, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want him to emulate my behavior so I need to do something to figure it out. I have considered reading parenting books, but they all say something different. I recently started one. Maybe I'll finish it and just see what I can use to help me with Harrison. 

Parenting isn't for the faint of heart. This past year 3 kids really threw me for a loop. When there are just 2 kids at home, everything seems manageable. However, when all 3 are here, it starts to feel like chaos sometimes. I don't know how my friends with much bigger families do it! 

Okay, off to sleep until the next kid (or dog) wakes me up. Night! 

Parenting Requires So Much

I am exhausted. Because of my kids, I didn't get to go to bed until 11 last night. And then between the hours of 11 and 4, I was awake 7 times among 3 children, 2 of which had to go to the bathroom and the 3rd of which was awake for unknown reasons that I can only guess... gas? Stomach pain? Teething? 

I attempted to get some more sleep after the baby woke up at 6 for the day, but it just didn't happen. The other kids woke up and came to cuddle me. Being so tired and rarely getting a break is so hard. I just have to keep going and going and going, running on an empty tank. 

Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. So much weight on my shoulders and so much is required of me, yet I have to do it with little sleep, no time to myself, and anxiety caused by sleep deprivation and all that is on my plate. I yell and get angry sometimes and I hate it. I try not to, but anger rises to the surface when my kids start fighting or misbehaving. I get upset sometimes when my baby just cries and cries and wants to be held. It feels like I cannot ever get anything done... not to mention my back and hips are killing me from holding him. I don't know how to change or fix my behavior. It's hard to implement change or even think clearly when you're so exhausted. 

Sometimes I think this is a cruel joke... that God allowed us to be parents with no guidance and under these conditions. Oh, and did I mention that you are parenting with someone else who has a completely different schema? And you have to work with that person on your relationship outside of your kids with little to no alone time? Thankfully, Evan is a good guy and works so hard to love our kids and to work with me as a team. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who didn't work together with me. 

Ha... you can tell where my mind is at tonight. I'm exhausted, bitter, and cynical right now. I love my children and I am grateful for them and for Evan. I just wish I could get a little more sleep and that my baby would cry a little bit less. A girl can dream. ;)

The Man in the Glass

An account I follow on Instagram had a post about judging tonight. She is being paid to advertise a company that some don't like and is getting huge flak for it. This is what I commented on her post:

"One of my favorite poems is called The Man in the Glass. The premise is that at the end of the day, our own opinion is the only one that matters. If we spend our time pleasing others and not enough time aligning our actions with our own beliefs/values/desires, then when we look in the mirror, we won't like what's there. I am sorry if anyone thought they had the right to judge YOUR life. It's clear you are doing your best to be a good human and to teach your children to do the same."

The thing is... we all judge. It is instinctual and normal. We have to make decisions based on our judgments. Decisions to allow people or things into our lives.  Decisions to make or keep friendships. Decisions to eat a certain way. Decisions to listen to a specific type of music, watch a certain movie, etc. Certain judgments are important. Having an opinion is normal. However, it isn't necessary to share all our opinions with others, especially if it's in regards to how someone else is living their life. Putting someone down who thinks, looks, or acts differently than you is not okay. We could all do to show a bit more love rather than forcing our opinions and beliefs on others.

You're Still Learning

I have seen astounding growth in my baby the past year. A year ago, he could barely hold up his own head, yet only one year later, he can walk, talk, eat solid foods, dance, play, read, and so much more. This growth hasn't come without error. He's fallen more times than I can count. He usually mispronounces the words he can speak. He gets more food on his clothes and the floor than in his mouth. However, with every action he takes it's clear that he's improving because he's trying, regardless of the failed attempts. 

I say to my kids when they attempt something difficult and don't succeed, "Great job! You're learning!" It's so important to buoy them up and encourage them, to help them see that each time they try, they are experiencing growth. 

We need to apply this same principle to ourselves. What if when we make mistakes, we speak life and encouragement into ourselves rather than debasing ourselves for not doing better? Can you imagine how much those positive messages would build us all up? Each one of us is still learning. Every time we try (no matter if we succeed or fail), we put ourselves out there and allowed the opportunity for growth to come. 

My challenge to you is to replace the negative self talk with the reminder that you are learning. You are growing. Each step and misstep are proof that you are putting yourself out there, and the growth will come as a result. 

Hello 2020

A year ago, my friend, Lyndsey, made a commitment to do something daily for all of 2019. Watching that simple commitment improve her life and the lives of others this past year has been so inspiring that I've decided to do the same! 

Setting goals is important and making time to take intentional action that aligns with those goals is crucial. I have found that for me, however, less is more. The times that I've set a ton of goals, I have become overwhelmed and I lose focus. However, when I determine one thing at a time to improve, I feel proud of myself and empowered to do more. 

This year, I've decided that I am committing to writing daily in 2020. Even if it's just 5 minutes a day, I know it'll improve my life mentally, spiritually, and even professionally. I can't wait to see the growth that happens as a result. 

I am honestly not starting it off super well today because I am writing this after 10 at night from bed. We had a chill day at home today. Evan and I went separately up Mount Peak and then we went as a family to Nicole's house to play games with my cousin, Bre, and her family. 

I talked with a friend on the phone last night and went hiking with my friend, Amy Ihde, today. I have been feeling pretty down lately... I think part of it is potentially my thyroid or hormones are off. I think part of it is the weather. Part of it is probably sleep deprivation. Either way, I feel these self-deprecating thoughts come into my mind. I get stuck inside my head. Being a stay-at-home mom can be really lonely and isolating, especially with young kids. I don't get out often and sometimes that negative voice tells me that I have nothing to give. I feel like I've given up so much of who I am and have had so much stripped away from me this past year with my health stuff, family stuff with my brother and my brother-in-law getting remarried, and a needy/fussy baby. I get down on myself for not being able to do all the things... and for not having my life more together. Having these two friends each out really buoyed me up and showed me that I matter outside of my family and children. I am a worthwhile person who is loved. It meant so much and reminded me to reach out to others in turn. 

I've been trying to determine the path I want my life to go right now. I honestly feel so tired and low energy recently that I am having a hard time even wanting to set goals. One thing I really want to focus on is to find joy and take more time to be happy. I feel like I spent so much time last year simply surviving (and honestly probably 2018 too) that I didn't spend enough time laughing and appreciating what and who is in my life. Life is short. I keep thinking things like it'll get easier when Bentley is a little older because then he won't be so needy. While that's likely true, the more I think things like that, the less I am enjoying and appreciating the simple beautiful moments with him now. I am working to change the narrative so I can be grateful for these moments even if they're hard, because they all will end... both good and hard. And they'll be gone before I know it to be replaced by new good and hard things. 

Last thought... In order to be more present and appreciative of what and who I have, I am working to practice gratitude daily.  Today, I am grateful for the opportunity to go hiking, for my kids' good health, for a loving, supportive husband who willingly serves me and the boys, for the time spent with family tonight (I love my cousin, Bre), for a warm house, and for sweet moments with each of my children. I love their hugs and each of their unique personalities. I am very blessed to have 3 healthy, smart boys. Raising them is my life's work. It's more beautiful and difficult than I ever imagined, but it's also rewarding, instructive, and life-changing. 

Step Into Your Power

Comparison makes us believe that we will never measure up. It shows us that we aren't good enough and will never be good enough. It shows us that we shouldn't even try because others are better than we could ever be.

This couldn't be farther from the truth. We each were born an innate power within us, stronger than any of us recognize. Each time you take a step towards what you feel called to do, you harness that power. When we feel that power in use in our lives, we are reminded that anything is possible for us.

Do you feel called to do something? Then do it. Step into the power that lies within you. You can only bless others' lives by living the life YOU were called to live.

You Become What You Believe

I have recognized recently that I find myself playing the victim. I look at the life circumstances I am in (hello health issues and teething baby/sleep deprivation... I am looking at you!) and use that as a reason to keep me from accomplishing what I want to accomplish. I say that I can't do something, I will never be a certain way, or I won't ever have a certain thing or attribute. Do you ever find yourself doing the same thing? "I can't do that, my kids are too demanding and I am too tired." "I will never have the house looking the way I want it." "I will never be as kind/loving/giving/fun as so-and-so."

These are all true if you let them be true. Your thoughts become your beliefs and your beliefs become your actions. I tell my kids often that your brain can't take a joke. If you tell yourself you can't do something, you are putting a HUGE mental road block, which will keep you from accomplishing your goals or becoming who you want to be.

Instead, let's look at ways you can change that wording. This doesn't negate that your life circumstances might feel or even BE really hard right now. But, even if you can't change what you're going through... you CAN change how your thoughts about it. The one thing you are in control of is your thoughts, which has HUGE bearing on what you do and who you become!

My first tip is to practice gratitude: Look for what IS there rather than what isn't. This is a big step towards changing your thoughts about your circumstances.

Once you are grateful, you need to change the way you talk to yourself. Rather than "I can't," say "I can, but I have other priorities right now."

If it's something you want to do or become, then tell yourself, "I can, I will, I am going to." (I actually say this over and over to myself if I am struggling with difficult thoughts as I rock my baby in the middle of the night.  This mantra has helped me through some LONG nights this year.) It might sound silly, but changing that narrative truly will empower you to feel like you CAN find a way to do the thing you want to do, even if it may require a different route due to your circumstances.

What are some positive affirmations you use to empower yourself?