Roller Coaster

This month has been full of so many emotional and mental ups and downs. I've had some really big LOWS and some moments where I look around in complete awe and joy of what I've been given in my life. My thoughts and feelings have run the gamut and, frankly, it's been really rough. Mostly, I've felt extremely tired, down, and a huge lack of motivation. I've doubted my business. I've doubted that I should do anything outside of simply being the best mom I can. I have doubted my abilities. I have doubted that I am wanted and loved by others. I have felt very alone. I have looked around waiting for someone to save me, to pick me up, to pull it together. But, no one is coming. I have to save myself. 

I have tried to pay attention to why I have so low this month, honestly more low than I've maybe ever felt in my life. I want to determine why so that I can fix it and improve. I even just had my thyroid hormones checked to see if that's what is causing this. Nope, they're fine. 

I think a part of it is simply that it's the winter and winter is hard for me. I think it gets more difficult every year, especially feeling trapped inside with sick kids. 

I got time to nap plus a small break to work for 45 minutes BY MYSELF and it felt wonderful. I felt so excited and motivated I felt like I helped people, which I love doing. I felt like people were excited about a book I shared, which was so nice. I remembered that I love to be creative in this way with my business. I love the puzzle and challenge it is and the way it pushes me to try new things, something that isn't the norm in my current mom phase. 

So maybe I just need more sleep (please let me sleep tonight, kids!) and maybe I just need more alone time to work in order to feel excited and motivated about my life again? I love my kids, but I really do need some time to myself sometimes too. I feel guilty being away (which rarely happens), but I know that I am a better person when I get some time to myself. 

Unrelated, but this is weighing on me... the past few weeks since Harrison came down with a bad cold and cough has been so hard. He's yelled so much and just been so tired and ornery. I just don't know how to help him to stop yelling and stop being so defiant. 

He and Lincoln are another issue. They fight so much from the second they wake up... no joke. Right when they see other, they usually start making faces or arguing about something. I see the comparison and jealousy happening. I see how Harrison specifically is happy when Lincoln gets in trouble because it's not him getting in trouble. The sibling rivalry is SO strong with these two and I need to figure out how to turn this around. I need to figure out how to encourage them to love and uplift each other. I really do try, but I feel like I am not getting through to them. Time to read a book or two and see if I can find SOME method to encourage them that will help. Wish me luck!