With this nagging feeling, I kept feeling that we needed to decide if we were going to have another child or not. I wanted to either get pregnant or not so I could just move forward with my life. I told Heavenly Father at the end of January that if I were going to get pregnant, I needed it to happen in 2018 and if I weren't pregnant by my birthday in December that we were going to be done having children. I decided shortly after that that I felt like I just wanted to be done. I didn't want the stress and anxiety of being pregnant again and I certainly didn't want to have to go through the newborn phase all over again, particularly if it meant post partum depression and anxiety. I also was in a good place physically and the thought of gaining weight and having to lose it was also stressful.
Well, a day or two after I decided that I should just be done, I found out I was pregnant. I knew it was the right thing. I had felt that we were supposed to have a third child, but I was still stressing out about the weight gain. It affected my mindset for months. I was tired and sick. My digestive system was killing me because of the crazy hormones. I stopped being able to exercise because I started bleeding when I went hiking with Lincoln and Evan (and found out later that I had a hernia). On top of that, I just didn't want to give up all the hard work I did to get my body where it was. It just felt HARD. It sound selfish writing it out, but that's how I felt.
When I saw the baby move around at the 20-week ultrasound, I realized just how selfish I was being. Not gaining weight would mean that he wasn't growing or that I couldn't sustain the pregnancy. I was thinking only of me, but not of this little life that had no choice in the matter. I was the one who had made a choice to get pregnant, not him. I changed my mindset then to embrace all that it meant to be pregnant and to fully accept the fact that I was pregnant.
It wasn't easy. There were some definite worries about the baby and about me. I get anxiety when I'm pregnant about everything that can go wrong. Shortly after that ultrasound, my sister-in-law, Emily, died. It is still heartbreaking to think about. My brother was hospitalized at this time. I also hit a deer on the way to go visit Andrew and his kids after the death. It was just such a rough summer.
I felt more energy for life and my business in the Fall before the baby came and that felt nice to accomplish some things.
(Finished on 1/14/19)
However, I then had a c-section to recover from AND a colicky baby. That made it hard to focus on my business, life, family (ALL THE THINGS) the way I would have wanted to. I also feel like my time limitations and lack of a clear vision have held me back. I'd love to work certain hours, but it just isn't feasible for me at this point with a fussy baby and two other children.
I have been really thinking about my goals and vision for this year. Some things that really hit me at ELC this past weekend were thinking about where'd you'd like to see yourself at the end of the year. What would you like to have? What would you like to have accomplished? What would you like to help others accomplish?
I have been thinking about my WHY in my life and in my business. At first, I was thinking about education because my job as a teacher was SO important to me. But, when I dug deeper, I saw that it isn't about education per se. I love educating and supporting other people as a means to empower them to achieve their goals and live their best lives. Whether in or out of my business, I love to inspire, support, empower others to become better. Something that felt really good and motivating last week was thinking about the fact that if I don't live my best life and do my best to improve, I won't be able to inspire others to live their best lives. I feel like THAT is my life's mission.
Another thought that's been on my mind is the fact that I haven't been very intentional... honestly for a long time. I have loose goals, but I haven't been actively pursuing having a firm goal or vision in mind for a few reasons:
1. I am afraid of not achieving them in the timeline I've set (or at all).
2. I am worried that I'll get frustrated with my kids (or even myself) for holding me back from achieving the goals that I've set.
3. I am worried that I don't have the time to achieve what I want to achieve because of having a newborn.
However, this fear is leading to a fixed mindset. If I have fear and don't try, then it will keep me from helping my team. How can I tell them to be scared, but do it anyway if I'm scared and don't make it happen myself?
If I let fear hold me back, I can't help others. If I let fear hold me back, I can't help myself. If I let fear hold me back, I won't be inspiring anyone else to live their best life. I'll be stuck where I'm at. Getting out of your comfort zone isn't easy. It is scary, but if you do it, you have the chance at living your best life. You have the chance at inspiring others along the way to find passion in what they are doing and the ways they are living.
SO... this is what my theme for the year is: GROW INTENTIONALLY. I want to be intentional in the ways that I grow. This includes my business, my family, my relationships, my health, and my spirituality.
- Business- I see myself empowering others to lead their businesses and then empowering others to do the same. I need to train my leaders to lead and then encourage them to do so. I need to cultivate my relationships, revamp my new consultant training, and revamp how we work with those promoting. I want to be a director by May 1st (SCARY!) and have 100 leaders on our team by December. I want to earn $5k a month again.
- Family- Spend meaningful time as a family... this includes weekly family home evenings, reading together, playing together. To do this, we need to do a family council to plan for our week and to make plans of how we can improve our relationships with each other and family dynamic. Limit screen time.
- Relationships- Increase personal connections with other people... make time to reach out to friends and family in a meaningful way instead of being all business all the time. I want to cultivate my relationships with other people, including with my team. It will take time, but it's worth it to not feel so alone. It's worth it to help others know they are loved and cared for.
- Health- I want to improve my health this year with continued research and study. I know that there is some info out there that can help me feel better. I need to figure out what that is. I also want to make time for regular exercise, even if it's only 15-20 minutes a day.
- Spirituality- Meditate/pray at least once a day to clear my head. I will start a gratitude journal.
- FINANCES- I feel like we don't adequately know where our money goes and don't have a plan for our money or for our future. This year, we need to get on a budget to save/prepare for the future. I would love to move to a new house. A budget and saving money for that will help us to prepare for that time and also to show that we CAN be able to make that move in the future. I have been wanting to try the "You Need a Budget" book and app to do this.
In order to be intentional about my vision and my goals for this year, I need to:
- Write a list nightly of business tasks I will do in pockets of time
- Create Google sheets for my CG and leadership team so I an access the info easily from my phone
- Create an accountability chart for Harrison
- Create a box of activities for the kids to do while I'm working or breastfeeding
- Reach out to one person a day to say "hi" and that I'm thinking about them
- Exercise every day
- Meditate when the baby goes down for a long nap
- (BABY WILLING) At some point... get up before the kids to shower, meditate, work, etc.
- Purchase/read YNAB book and create a family budget.
