Migraine

This weekend felt near intolerable. Evan still recovered from getting sick on Monday and Harrison also seemed to feel worse. He keeps complaining about his neck hurting. I feel so bad. 

I got a bad migraine on Saturday and laid in bed when the kids permitted me to. Honestly, all the sleepless nights with Bentley (and even thes other kids and dog waking me too!) really have taken a toll on me. That combined with feeling so trapped and cooped up has been really hard. It honestly felt mentally insufferable at times. I keep having negative, depressed thoughts that I keep having to work through. At times, I didn't know if I could endure them because it just felt too much. But, I kept going. What else can one do? 

I hope that Evan and Harrison start to feel better soon. I think Evan is starting to finally recover, but he's still had to lay down quite a bit this weekend. It's been hard and depressing for us all, I'm sure. Especially with Bentley having a hard time and being really needy. We'll make it through. We always do. 

A Shell of Former Self

I am but a shell of my former self

Stripped down to the essentials 

Existing to serve and love

The finer parts gone 

My appearance shows it

Unkempt 

Unshowered

Disheveled

My clothes marked with token baby food

A shell

Longing for a moment to refill and feel hole 

Magic in the Minutiae

My days are made up of mostly mundane pieces: unload the dishes, load the dishes, make breakfast, help kids go potty and get dressed, fold laundry, vacuum, scrub, dust, and so many other necessary household tasks. Every human has to eat, sleep, clean themselves and their surroundings, etc. It is the attitude we have while doing these tasks that sets the tone for our lives. There is so much magic in between the minutiae. The sweet baby who crawls onto your lap as you sit on the floor to clean a mess. The 3 year old who runs up and squeezes you as if you are the most important person in the world, because you are to him. The 7 year old who cuddles next to you on the couch as you read aloud to him. And the energetic dog who is always lovingly is at your feet because he knows you are his person. 

I won't remember each dish I cleaned 1,000 times, but I do hope that these beautiful little snippets will remain with me. These are the building blocks of a life I am building with my boys. I hope that the memories from their childhood are just as magical to them as they are to me. 

So tired

Oh my goodness... last night was ROUGH. There is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture method: because it is freaking TORTURE. I don't even know how I was sustained through the night last night. By midnight, the 3 kids had stolen up at least 7 times between them, 5 of those times being from Bentley. I lost track after that. 

Harrison wasn't feeling well and came down with the same sickness that Evan has. I have a very mild version of it and am hoping that this is as bad as it gets for me. I am praying that no one else gets it, but we'll see. I feel blessed that I was able to have the energy and wherewithal I did today in spite of so little sleep. I will say, however, that having sickies again makes me feel so trapped, especially since Bentley barely napped today (partially because he fell asleep on the way back from running errands). Not being able to set him down to get stuff done is so frustrating. It makes me feel like giving up because I don't know how I am supposed to do anything when I have a fussy/needy baby. Hopefully tomorrow he'll nap and I can then get a break to get some work done! 

I am grateful that he's currently sleeping. I need to go back to sleep too. I fell asleep getting Lincoln down and woke up and got distracted when I went to write on my phone. Praying for a better night's sleep for everyone and a quick return to health for Evan and Harrison. 

Update... I literally hit publish and then the baby started SCREAMING and thrashing himself around in his bed. So much for getting more sleep. I wonder if this is because he's teething or if it's because something he's been eating is causing him gas pains. Maybe a mix of both? It's so hard to figure out at this age. I am nursing him now. Hopefully, he'll go back to sleep reasonably easily and we can all get some needed sleep. 

No Time

I had an amazing thought to share this morning after I put the baby down for a nap... and then he woke up not long after I put him down so I couldn't sit down to write. Now that it's almost 9pm and Lincoln is still awake, the thought has totally escaped me. 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly, today things felt off. Evan had the day off, but was sick in bed all day with a cold. Bentley was gassy/fussy and I couldn't get him back to sleep after he woke up so quickly from his first nap. I really didn't get any solid down time (still haven't had any as Lincoln is cuddled up next to me as I write this). Not having help when I normally do and then having little time to myself to work gives me anxiety. I honestly am struggling right now to know what kind of vision and goals to have for myself because I don't want to feel frustrated when my expected work/me time is thwarted by Bentley erratic sleep patterns. Do I hire someone to help? Should we schedule me to leave the house to work a few times a week? It's just so hard to know. I want Evan to have time for himself and I know he wants the same for me, but his commute is so long that it means he doesn't have much time after work to do anything, but go to bed. I know this time is short-lived and will likely get easier within the year when Bentley is more consistent with his sleep. It's just going to take some thought to get creative as to how we can make it happen in the interim. 

Updated to add... right after I posted this, Lincoln begged me for a snack and Bentley woke up screaming (only 35 minutes after I got him down to bed 😱😭). I am now nursing him yet again because he was wiggling in pain when I kept trying to bounce with him on the exercise ball in his room. I feel bad that he's gassy, but I also just want a break for a little bit from caring for any tiny humans. I need to figure out what I can do to help ease his stomach pain. 

Joy is a Choice

Last year was hard. It felt like so much was thrown at me. And, I'll be honest, I didn't have the best attitude and mindset. I am certain that definitely played a role in how I viewed my circumstances.

I determined a few weeks ago that I want to practice more gratitude in order to find joy in the journey now. Last year, I sometimes found myself thinking of and longing for some future time when my kids will be at less needy ages. Having a future focus kept me from seeing the blessings that were right in front of me.

This morning, I was reminded of what I feel is my life's mantra... joy is a choice. No matter our circumstances, we can choose to find joy, to practice gratitude, to have hope. Life is short. We have no idea if that future time will even come. We have the ability to see the good now in spite of the struggle. I am challenging myself to choose joy, to choose to be grateful, to choose to see the good. To focus on what's there rather than the lack. Creating a mindset shift already has proven difficult, but I felt overall happier today with a more clear path of my purpose. Choosing the higher road is worth it. 

Where to Go from Here

Still me, still tired. Of course, I am up late finishing a book when I should be sleeping, but it is the only time I get to myself and I do enjoy reading. 

I feel like my oldest and I are often at odds with each other. He's so sassy and smart, just like his mama. I honestly feel like I am failing him most days. I just don't know the best way to raise him. He's just so energetic and bores easily. Some of his behaviors are simply just loud and annoying while some are inconsiderate of others, usually his little brother, Lincoln. Being loud and silly is fine and I keep trying to remind myself that it's okay for him to act that way. What isn't okay is negative behaviors towards others (usually Lincoln), especially when he gets bored. 

I feel like I usually end up yelling to get him to finally listen to what I have to say when he's getting out of control. I hate it. I don't want to yell, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want him to emulate my behavior so I need to do something to figure it out. I have considered reading parenting books, but they all say something different. I recently started one. Maybe I'll finish it and just see what I can use to help me with Harrison. 

Parenting isn't for the faint of heart. This past year 3 kids really threw me for a loop. When there are just 2 kids at home, everything seems manageable. However, when all 3 are here, it starts to feel like chaos sometimes. I don't know how my friends with much bigger families do it! 

Okay, off to sleep until the next kid (or dog) wakes me up. Night!