The Mom Club

According to blogger, I starting writing (AKA wrote the title of the post and saved it) last year at the end of April. I've been thinking about this post and this topic for a while. It is, I know, a sensitive subject for many, especially those people who struggle with fertility or those who want to be married and have children and have not yet. I guess that's why I pushed this post off for a while: I feared my own thoughts and the pain of others. However, for the past few days, I have not been able to get the title of this post out of my mind. I know it needs to be written. I hope someone will benefit from it or at least gain some empathy from it. So, here goes...

Even as a child, I knew I wasn't going to be like the stereotypical LDS (or even non-LDS) girl. I always knew I would gain an education and have a career. I always knew that I would get married at a time that some might call "later." (Now I'm reminding myself Hansel on "Zoolander": "I wasn't like other kids... I was more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree." Love that movie.) Being real, though: I had goals I knew I wanted to achieve. Sure, I was like every teenage girl who wanted to find love. I dated a lot and had a lot of fun! I just knew that I wouldn't be ready to settle down and get married until I accomplished a lot of my own goals first. Maybe that was selfish, maybe it was smart, maybe it just was.

Well, I stayed true to my childhood goals. I set out to do what I wanted and did it. Marriage eventually came shortly before my 28th birthday. I'm sure some wondered if Sassy Sarah was ever going to settle down and start a family. Sometimes I did too. But, I couldn't have imagined getting married one day earlier than I did. Graduating college, traveling, starting a career... all of these were necessary for myself, my marriage, and my future children.

Now, this isn't to say that I didn't look around at all of my friends and see them marrying almost decades before me, having several children even before I was even engaged. I did look. I did wonder. I did sometimes feel like I was missing out on motherhood and that others noticed I was missing out too. I also felt sometimes that I wasn't a part of this illusive "Mom Club" that it seems so many my age had already joined by having one or more children.

And then... I'd allow myself to sleep in on a Saturday morning in my apartment in Hawaii before going surfing and remind myself that the life I was living was pretty darn great. Ultimately, I was happy with the decisions I had made and the life I had lived.

However, getting married changed some of that. Sure, I was still happy, but I suddenly felt pressure FROM EVERYONE to have a child. (As mentioned, some of that pressure was there before I got married.) Within days of our marriage, friends/family from all walks of life started asking about children. Suddenly, our friendship circle at church changed from single adults to married friends with children. The pressure was all around us and I couldn't help feeling like I was missing out again on the "Mom Club." Did others notice? Did they feel I couldn't relate to them because I wasn't a part of their club? Sure, I still enjoyed sleeping in, doing what I wanted, and that I could live my life happily sans child. However, pangs of sorrow would come as I looked at friends happy with their children. Would I have a child of my own?

These feelings led Evan and I to pray and fast fairly soon after we got married about when we should have a child. We both felt like we should think about it logically, make a plan, and follow through on our best decision. We decided to wait a few years so that Evan could start school and we could enjoy our first few years of married life without a child. We decided that we were empty-nesters and were going to live it up!

There were times, though, that I wondered about our decision. When people at church would make comments about our lack of children. When family or friends would ask when we were going to have children. I even had someone ask me 2 years ago if Mother's Day was awkward for me because I don't have children. It wasn't awkward until you said that!

Finally, a year ago, we took the plunge: I went off birth control and we were just going to let the chips fall where they may. Like I'm sure every woman, I wondered if I could get pregnant. Eventually, after several months of worry and after finding out that I may have a progesterone deficiency keeping me from getting pregnant/keeping a pregnancy, I did get pregnant last summer. Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage because of low progesterone.

I feel blessed to be pregnant again at nearly 15 weeks along. I am very hopeful that I will be able to hold this baby in my arms. But, I could easily be the woman who can't get pregnant or who cannot sustain pregnancies. I could easily be the person who is not yet married and who wants to be so badly because she wants to be a mother. My face could be any of their faces.

I guess what I'm saying is... don't judge and don't ask people awkward questions about relationships or about children. That is personal. If that person wants to tell you her life story, she will on her own time and without you asking her!


Also remember that just because a woman doesn't have children, does not mean that she is not a mother! Just because someone isn't a part of the "mom club" doesn't mean that she can't relate to you or understand you. Everyone leads a different life. Some women will never experience motherhood in this life for one reason or another. I ask you, please, don't judge. Everyone is fighting their own battle. Everyone is trying to live as best as they know how. Everyone wants to be accepted and loved for who they are and NOT for who you think they should be.