Surviving a Miscarriage

image via HERE for Infant Loss Day, October 15th

Last summer, I found out while I was in Germany that I was pregnant. After coming back from Germany, I started bleeding. I lived through 4 weeks of bleeding , 2 weeks of worrying why my pregnancy hormone (HCG) levels were not dropping while I was bleeding, 2 weeks of getting my arms poked with needles to test my HCG levels every other day, severe cramping, and that’s nothing to say for the emotional trauma I went through. It was not a fun experience to say the least. 

I feel very blessed that Heavenly Father guided me to having the foresight to get my progesterone levels checked BEFORE we started trying to have a baby. I found out at the end of May that my progesterone levels were low and that I may not be able to get pregnant on my own, let alone be able to sustain a pregnancy without progesterone. I’m glad I had that in my back of my mind after I found out I was pregnant just so that I was a little more mentally prepared when I started bleeding and ultimately found out I was miscarrying. 

Still, the struggle was not easy. I cried briefly after it was confirmed that I was going through a miscarriage. And then I didn’t allow myself to cry for a few weeks. I felt like I had to steel my heart away from the pain of the miscarriage to remain sane. It wasn’t until the birth of my sister’s baby that I broke down. It was so awesome to be there and be able to witness the birth of my nephew, but that night it was so hard watching both of my sister nursing their babies side by side knowing that my own baby wasn’t going to make it. As I got into bed that night, I laid down and cried. And Evan held me. The loss of a pregnancy, especially because we had no other children, was acute. Being at first surprised with a pregnancy I didn’t know could happen on its own with such low progesterone levels and then allowing myself to get excited about the prospect of the pregnancy… then the loss of the hope of that excitement. Every baby I looked at was a reminder of what I lost. I felt like EVERY woman was a mother and I was the only one not in the “mom club.” But, that wasn’t really why I was sad. Those were merely reminders of my sadness, but they weren’t the reason why. The reason why is complex. Part of it is that I couldn’t understand why something like this would happen to me. Both of my sisters had fine pregnancies without any mishaps and now have healthy children. WHY ME?! Why am I the only one who has trouble with sustaining a pregnancy?

Then there was the fact that I do want to be a mother. I do want a child. Even though it scared me, I feel more ready for that responsibility than ever before. The pain of that loss and worrying that I may never have a child pressed deep into my soul. I was distraught beyond words but had to repress it. I had to show a happy face to everyone else even though inwardly I was struggling deeply. Would I ever have a child? Would I ever become pregnant again? These are still questions that haunt me. I don’t know the answer, but I do have a little more peace now than I did before.

Another added complexity was Evan’s excitement about being a father. Ever since we got married, Evan has wanted to be a father. In fact, I’d say that he wants to be a father more than I want to be a mother (which is saying something!). He loves kids and was SO excited when he found out that we were going to be having our first child. He said he loved me even more than he thought possible now that I was going to be the mother of his child. To see him let down and help me through this struggle made it even harder. I want to have a child with him. I want to be parents and raise a child, our child, together. Losing this baby meant that we may not ever share that together. It was heartbreaking.

So I allowed myself to break down twice and have since pushed all of those sad feelings away. The struggle now lies in that I’m numb. When I think about having a child or being a mother, I feel numb. How do I get rid of these feelings? How do I let go of the past and hope again that I can be a mother someday?

The good news is that I CAN get pregnant. The bad news is that it’s tricky taking progesterone to ensure that I can keep the pregnancy. I don’t want to go through another miscarriage. I don’t think I can deal with another heartbreak like that again. I’m hoping through continued prayer that I can find peace, that I can gain comfort, that I can hear the guidance from Heavenly Father about the next steps I should take in my life.